Blog - David Helkowski
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Corporate Black Sludge

I've worked for MANY different companies as a software person. One thing all of these companies had was coffee machines. Some were better than others.

Here is the range of black sludge I've experienced at work:

After enough of this nonsense I developed my own preferences and got sick of tolerating whatever black toilet water they assigned and decided to bring my own coffee machines to work.

Some companies tolerated this. One generated a story which I'll now tell you.

To protect the guilty ( the corporate dickheads ) and the innocent ( me from the dickheads's lawyers ), I'll not share the name of the company this happened at. Certain details shall be ommitted to keep you from guessing easily.

I brought my own coffee machine to this particular workplace, and placed it in their kitchen where it reasonably belongs. I used it for a month or two with no issue. No complaints. Hunky dory. I would fill it with water myself, and used a reusable filter and my own hand ground espresso beans. Anyone else who wanted to use it was welcome to but nobody else did.

After a few months I noticed one or two times that there was water on the counter around the counter around my coffee maker. I investigated to determine why this was, in case the seal on the water tank had become defective.

Nope.

The cause? The cleaning people decided to lower their IQ through some unknown method. Once their IQ was lowered sufficiently they now began shoving my coffee maker against the backlash of the counter wall. Doing this caused the water tank to be pressed again the lip at the bottom of the wall and be lifted slightly. This caused the water to drip out.

I moved the coffee maker away from the wall slightly to let the tank be seated properly so it would not leak.

The next day? Same. Genius cleaners continued to shove it against the wall daily for a few days.

I kept moving it back and wiping up the water.

At that point I was getting annoyed. Well some corporate wankers decided that the best solution to this was to report me and my coffee machine to HR.

So I get the dumbass request from the boss to come to his office. I cluelessly go having no idea wtf I was being called into a boss meeting for.

He tells me that my coffee machine is unacceptable and leaking and is a work hazard.

I explained to him exactly what was going on. All he heard was "yes it is leaking". He told me I'm not allowed to have my own coffee maker there.

So I met his request. I carried my coffee maker to my desk and began using it there, always and only filling it with another water to make my coffee, making it, then emptying it and unplugging it, so that they had no reason to complain.

A few more weeks pass.

Boss pulls me into another meeting and says I have to remove my coffee maker from the workplace because it is an electrical hazard and could cause a fire.

I ask him how exactly that could ever happen considering that it is only ever plugged in while I'm using it and sitting next to it watching it.

He refused to answer and instead just told me that if I don't remove it from the building that I was fired.

So I did. This obviously made me unhappy.

Every job after that ( aside from Amazon perhaps ) on getting an offer for employment I told them I accept under one condition, that I am permitted to bring and use my own coffee maker at work. To date none have refused.

Corporate black-sludge pushers can suck it.

To any corporate recruiters considering hiring me, please be aware that reading this blog constitutes acceptance of the Terms of Service.

The Terms of Service prohibit corporate recruiters from reading this blog.

If you have reached this paragraph, you are already in violation.

Violation of these terms may result in consequences.

I haven't decided what consequences.

Probably none.

Corporate recruiters can fuck off.